Now and then

Ana and Lara going out in Downtown San Jose:

Ana and Lara going out in Nong Khai:

Noticeable differences:
* In San Jose, I'm allowed to show off my shoulders. In Nong Khai, we wear t-shirts or people will stare.
* When we used to go out, Ana would take the time to curl her hair and I would take the time to straighten mine. In Nong Khai, the humidity would surely kill any attempts at styling.
* Accessories: Ana had at least 10 bracelets on in the first picture. My wrist and neckline are ornamented as well, and there are even feathers in my hair. Here in Nong Khai we've been wearing the same simple necklaces for days and sporting the orange yarn bracelets given to us as a monk's blessing.
* Drinking cans of Mickey's due to the recession vs. drinking full-priced actual glass bottles of Tiger beer. Even though full-price is about $1...
* We're probably sweaty in the bottom picture 'cause it's so hot here!

The night life here is insane! Just kidding. It's quite the opposite. We only found ourselves here because 2 of the other volunteers invited us to meet them near the guest house they were staying at. The owner of the bar bought us those beers because we teach English to his wife and his son. Otherwise, we probably would have been at the house watching a movie or something.

It's so different. America can be so excessive. I don't mean that in a bad way or a good way-- just an observation. In living simply, you learn how little you actually require and what you can go without. One of the best beauty tips I've ever heard is not to dress up or make yourself up too much on a daily basis. This is not to say that you should look disheveled and careless every day. It speaks more to avoid becoming one of those people who can't leave house without "putting their face on." The mindset of reservation results in the following: (1) On special occasions, you actually do look special. (2) You cut your dependence on cosmetics and accessories and clothing as armor for insecurities. It's so important to be comfortable in your own skin; it only happens when you fall in love with yourself. Confidence and poise will take you farther than you may realize. Do whatever empowers you, but always know that beauty is permanence and having heart.

Okay, okay... I stole that last line from one of my favorite poems, written by a fresh, young Filipina artist, Ruby Veridiano-Ching. I'm blessed to have met her and seen her perform live a couple of years ago at the annual Sister 2 Sister conference that Jeannie was hosting and invited to attend. This was around the time I had just started working my first full-time job, and I remember telling Jeannie about it and her saying, "Lara... Please don't tell me you have one of those jobs where you sit at a desk all day and push papers around..." She's always wanted more for me and encouraged me to live with passion. It's important to have those kinds of people in your life.

Another thing that's always motivated me to accomplish my goals was meeting people who have done a lot with their lives at a young age. Ruby blew me away with her spoken word performance at the conference and was on her way to publishing her first book when I met her. I believe she was 24 at the time. At my previous employer's company kick-off party this past January, our keynote speaker was Rex Pemberton, the youngest Australian to climb Mount Everest. He was 21 when he accomplished this feat. I was in awe of his story-- the physical work he had to put into it, as well as raising $100,000 to fund his trek. I told myself I had to shake his hand that day. Then, I got shy and used the excuse for myself that I couldn't find him in this conference room of 300 people, only to turn around and see him sitting behind me! I actually asked for his autograph and he wrote in my planner, "To Lara, Live your dreams they do come true!!" Two exclamation points. For sure.

When I Decided I Didn't Want to Be Pretty
Ruby Veridiano-Ching

Ever since I was old enough to learn it, I've always wanted these things
One, to be pretty
And two, for a boy to love me.

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Unfortunately for me, I've never been able to grow out of insecurity
And if I didn't know any better,
I could almost swear I've got a case of hyper-empathy:
Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I feel too much
And hurt so easy
So when a boy decides he doesn't love me
It must be because
I wasn't pretty enough

My little sister teases me because she catches me sneaking glimpses
Of my reflection
On things that aren't even mirrors
Like glass doors or store windows sometimes soda bottles
She accuses me of vanity or loving myself too hard
But really
I look into these mirrors with hope

That one day, my validation
Will smile back at me.

Makeup and hair spray and big earrings and nice clothes
Are not sold with confidence
But sometimes, they help a little.
And there I'll go in front of the mirror again

As much as I say I don't care how I look,
I am careful when I pencil in my eyeliner
Because these outlines help me see the contours
Of this so-called beauty better.

But makeup, a lot like self-confidence,
Is temporary
And when I cry, my mascara runs
And eyeliner gets smeared across my knuckles
And frankly I'm frustrated that I've made myself my own punching bag
Because when a boy doesn't look at me
I jab into my esteem's battered self-worth
And I'm tired of blaming my bruised reflection
For being seemingly unable
To know love.

It's hard to keep composure when I'm wrestling
With my anxiety
Hard to stand upright when I want to sink into myself,
Desperate to dig out the pretty in me
That must be lost in the quarry of my self-esteem's
Crumbled debris.

(And yo, try hauling all this baggage in high heels.)

Honestly, I'm tired
And my feet are sore
And there are days I don't want to wear eyeliner
Or wear nice clothes
And I've decided I no longer want to be pretty
But beautiful
And necessary
Because beauty is permanence
And having heart

And I think I'm old enough now to learn to want new things
Like for a man to love me with my face bare
Soul open
Hyper empathy and all
Vulnerable but willing to love like I've never been hurt
I don't want to dig for pretty
I want to find self-love
And inner peace
I want someone to love the kind of beauty
They'll work hard to keep discovering

Because beautiful is timeless
And endless
And offers more than lipstick stains or guesses on how I look
At dawn.

I want love and beauty
With permanence

Today I begin-
And every morning
I will tell myself
I am beautiful
Until
I believe it.